Gloomy Sunday

Maybe it is because of the rain, or because I feel like I have been working like crazy and have only now gotten a chance to sit down and slow down, but I am feeling sort of gloomy tonight. There is a lot of thinking and praying that I need to catch up on. But for some reason tonight I would rather pretend that those things don't exist. Which doesn't help, and has been done too often in the past. Maybe that is why I feel gloomy. (viscous cycle) Anyway, I thought I would share the train wreck that is my thought process for your entertainment and hopefully for my benefit.

I have been watching a lot of chick-flicks lately. (just finished one) Mostly because it gets dark so early and it is too cold to be out so we stay in and watch movies. Which is fine... But chick-flicks put me in a weird mood. I don't know what it is...they either annoy me because they are so cheesy or they depress me because my life is so...less than romantically inclined. That is why I would much rather watch something blow up. How can anyone be depressed after watching something blow up?! Maybe I just need to take a break on the movies... I think they are effecting my brain! I am starting to see nonexistent budding romances between the people around me...

That reminds me....we got our parts for the Winter Meltdown skit. I play Bill's girlfriend and am supposed to seductively distract him from Jesus on the cross. I don't know how that happened. "Let's cast the home schooled Mennonite in the part of the skank." There is nothing in me that even remotely hints at the possibility of being anything close to resembling seductive! gulp.....I still don't know how that one is going to work out. Bill said we would work on it... still not sure how that is going to work out either. Can you say awkward? Haha Ohhh well!

I didn't mean for that to sound like I am complaining. I am just trying to find the humor it the situation. Because it is funny in a pathetic sort of way. (I don't know if you understand just how bad I am at it...)

I am trying not to complain about things. I really don't have anything to complain about. I have a great life and amazing opportunities. But I sometimes catch myself being ungrateful. I am trying to take Paul's advice and rejoices in the Lord. I am trying to be content, to keep my heart and mind on Him and things that are pleasing to Him. I can already see that it is starting to take hold in my life. It is a moment by moment struggle sometimes. But I am slowly finding it. I have started to make an effort to celebrate the small victories! That is it's own little accomplishment in and of it's self! haha

It is hard to be content, especially when I am so anxious about the future. I need to be making decisions about what position I will have this summer and what happens after the summer. The end of the internship is starting to creep up on me. I am scared that one day I will turn around and it will be here. That thought makes me very sad and very nervous. I don't want it to come. Maybe because I love it here and I love what I am doing and I love that I am learning and growing so much, or maybe because I don't know what I am going to do after this and I dread having to figure that out, or maybe because I am scared that I will spend another year looking for my next move. I don't want to leave RVR and I can't figure out if that is me being selfish in not wanting to leave what is safe and start over again at another camp or if it is God telling me that He wants me here. I know in my heart that God has everything under control and that His plans for me are better than I could even dream of and that as long as I am in His will I will be happy and fulfilled, but my head has a hard time understanding that. Or maybe it is the other way around, my head knows that but my heart has a hard time believing it. I don't know....

sigh....I just feel so wide open right now and that is a new and rather unpleasant feeling for me. Maybe that is why I am so gloomy tonight....

Well, getting it all out there was helpful. At least now I have more specific things to pray about....